You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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