this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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