He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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