You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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