i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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