What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
