when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
