That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
