I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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