i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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