There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
