We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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