Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
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even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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