We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
