My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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