The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
