If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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