do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
