I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm like, not good at living.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
