I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
