mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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