hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
