remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I looked at my own cervix.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
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Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
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The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.