You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.