my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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