Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
