I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
