Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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