I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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