I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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