I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
She bit a glass in half.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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