It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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