Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
