Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
