I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
