Duck Duck Cougar?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
