I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
