dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
