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I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
