I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you made out with another girl for some wings
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
