I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
