Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
