my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
