He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
