I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
