We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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