That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dick very happy bro
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
