im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
