Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
