dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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