Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
