Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
