I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
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So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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