First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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