Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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